Robert asks…
Where can I buy a lawn gnome exacly like my neighbors?
already checked kmart, walmart, target and dollar tree. A stone flew from my lawn mower when i was cutting the grass. My neighbor is a very nasty guy who has been arrested for drug overdoses. He goes away for days on end because he is a truck driver. I really need to find another one to replace his. Talking to this guy is out of the question. I’ve seen him beat his dog with a large peice of wood just for barking. Sometimes I hear porn movies or his very loud sex life coming out of his open windows. He scares me.I just wanna replace the stupid thing so my nerves settle down. Please help! I am in pennsylvania
GardenersCardiff answers:
Get a tazer and some pepper spray just in case, try garden ridge or home depot or lowes or any home type store… Sorry if that didn’t help
Sharon asks…
Where can I buy a rain gauge?
I want something retro-like, nothing mechanical. I can not find any neat looking rain gauges on line. I do not want the scientific gauges…I need something plastic with a hole at the top to collect rain and the inches marked on the side and some sorta retro deco on he whole thingy kinda like a John Deer Rain gauge.
GardenersCardiff answers:
I think I know exactly the kind you are talking about.
I have seen the test tube looking ones at a home improvement store like Home Depot or Lowes.
You could try Cracker Barrel; they carry all kinds of John Deere Stuff.
This one isn’t retro, but it is like a test tube, and has a simple design.
Http://www.barbecues.com/web/Reviews/powerreviews/product-reviews/6971/Outdoor-Accents/Garden-Accents/Accents/Good-Directions/p/236438-Rain-Gauge-PPRG.html
Amazon.com has some really cute ones. Check these out…
Http://www.amazon.com/Luster-Leaf-1640-Rainfall-Gauge/dp/B0019DBZF6/ref=sr_1_4/180-0056979-0194822?ie=UTF8&s=garden&qid=1261091281&sr=1-4
or
http://www.amazon.com/Frog-Rain-Gauge-Textured-Green/dp/B0014ZZG7C/ref=sr_1_6/180-0056979-0194822?ie=UTF8&s=garden&qid=1261091281&sr=1-6
or
http://www.amazon.com/Echo-Valley-Pointing-Gnome-Gauge/dp/B001A5RPRA/ref=pd_bxgy_misc_img_b
Amazon.com offers a large variety. Maybe you can find something there that you like.
Good Luck
Ken asks…
Are gnomes SEX machines?
Let’s face it, gnomes can be undeniably sexy. So very rugged and manly. Ceramic garden gnomes usually have pretty impressive packages too if you have noticed ( I certainly have). They’re also known to be hard workers, and they say nothing is a bigger turn on than a hard working woodland creature. Short men are also known for their sex drive and virility. I imagine they make quite enjoyable lovers in the bedroom then, if one can overlook their constant drunkenness and the pungent odor of their testicles.
Excuse me. I have to take a cold shower. Later I think I will make a trip to Lowes garden ornament aisle.
GardenersCardiff answers:
The only thing about gnomes is their rods P&P 
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Mandy asks…
Has anyone ever heard of a plastic gnomes statue that changes colors with the season ?
I bought a garden gnomes statue at a garage sale. The lady said that it was from Germany and that its face changes with every season. It will change colors 4 times a year ? If anyone has ever seen or heard of such a thing ? I would love to know. I just bought it so Have not had it long enough to verify this. Thank you.
GardenersCardiff answers:
Never heard of such a thing but, maybe it is a special one..keep watching.
Charles asks…
Should I admit I have no kids?
I’ve recently moved to a new area and have had some trouble from the neighbours. It turns out that they don’t enjoy being woken up at 3am by drunken singing of rugby songs, they don’t think it’s funny when the “For Sale” signs get moved to different houses and they want their garden gnomes back.
They’ve got a little posse together, calling themselves a “neighbourhood watch” (pathetic isn’t it?) and they seem to be under the impression that the teenage totty I bring home for entertainment are actually my kids and that they and their friends are responsible for the “undesireable and anti-social behaviour”.
As they’ve got some close to etirement copper on side, should I come clean now and admit it’s me, or should I play along and agree to better discipline my “daughters”?
GardenersCardiff answers:
Play along with it … I want to move in… Nothing better than shaking up a suburb…. Start a neighboor hood watch group and ask everyone over and have a stripper arrive and pretend to be your wife…
Mark asks…
What are 25 ways to protect my family and home from a torrential storm?
Detailed List please.
GardenersCardiff answers:
1) move *the act of packing and moving to a different location. If not possible, continue.
2) depending on your budget, some major re-modeling is in order.
3) install additional braces to your roof trusses.
4) Glue your roof…
(a)During a hurricane, the wind may almost seem to be ripping the roof off your home. So give your roof a bit of reinforcement. With some glue, you can increase your roof’s resistance to wind.
The Federal Alliance for Safe Home recommends you go to your local home improvement store and get premium flooring adhesive. Using a caulking gun, put a small bead of glue to the underside of your roof where the roof and the support beams meet. Be sure to look for an adhesive that has been tested and has a strong rating like APA AFG-01 ASTM D 3498.
5) insure your storm gutters are draining rain ample distance, peferably down hill from your home.
6) insure your storm gutters are free from leaves and other foreign debris.
7) waterproof your basement. You can do it yourself by consulting a sales associate at your local home improvement store. Or you can hire an outside company. Again, depends on your budget.
8) ensure your home is fall distance away from large trees or poles. Trees you can use a chain saw yourself and cut it to fall away from your house. Poles are more tricky to remove. You need to write your congress person and tell them that the utility pole on your property is causing cancer to your child. Then you need to adopt a girl and shave “most” of her hair off… Then get the news to have a heartfelt story on you and your plight. Then, the pole is moved…
9)Back up generators for emergency power. Generators are cheap and run on gas. You can get a decent one at your local home improvement store.
10)Vacuum sealer and large bags. Seal blankets and pillows and the like into these bags. You should vacuum seal the blankets as to keep spiders, mice and other “pests” out.
11) Large bags for your vacuum sealer.
12) sleeping bags for your vacuum sealer
13) invest in a sump pump incase the water comes into your basement.
14) replace your old windows. Newer windows come with an “act of god” warranty.
15) think about installing “impact resistant windows”
16) invest in a flash light that doesn’t require batteries (the one you shake “as seen on T.V.”)
17) invest in a radio that works on gyroscope
18) check the weight on your garage door. Many use the lightest material to save them and ultimately you costs.
19) have tarp handy for if when a hole is blown in your roof, you can patch it up when the eye of the storm is over you.
20) register for the next CCW class (carry concealed weapon). Check state and local laws…
21) practice at a shooting range after obtaining your CCW Permit. You never know when Martial Law will take over….
22) register for CPR courses. It may come in handy…
23)
(a) If you have furniture and other outdoor equipment on your patio or deck, bring them inside when strong weather threatens. Don’t forget trash cans, grills, toys, and potted plants. Keep them from becoming flying objects that can cause additional injury or damage during storms with high winds.
“You would be very surprised about what people don’t think about,” says Chapman-Henderson. “We saw garden gnomes wedged into palm trees. We saw an old record sliced into a tree. We saw sailboats in the tops of trees after Hurricane Andrew,” she said.
24) purchase blow up inner rafts, innertubes ect. Ect (and an air pump) You never know when you will need to float to the nearest shelter after a major storm.
25) go to www.myspace.com/therukiz
“Your next door neighbor Warpath the Battle AXE”
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