George asks…
My house is under attack by deranged garden gnomes?
Does anyone know the number to 9-1-1?
GardenersCardiff answers:
Call 911 and ask them!!!
Daniel asks…
What do we really know of gnomes? I have opinions of them,and am lead to believe certain things….But?
What do we really Know?
I have never caught a gnome eating the chillies off my chilli bush or stealing the beer from my beer fridge. It is just the parties with beer drinking and chilli eating, happening in my back shed that rouse my suspicions.
I also have it on authority, that they may like to chew through coaxial cable.
A suspicious lot to be sure. Not to be trusted and not to be encouraged….. much like vegans.
What are your thoughts?
GardenersCardiff answers:
Zoological researchers have published nothing on the classification of gnomes, however, recent observations have identified at least three subspecies- 1. The common garden gnome– a bit stiff in their postures, preferentially eating chiles, and less agressive than the other subspeicies.
2. The Bush gnomes– again stiff, a bit awkward in their gait, often preoccupied with ongoing encounters with Mountain Trolls, again prefering chiles, but also a bit more diversified in their diet. And 3. The mountain gnomes- larger in stature, and with a definate preference for mountain oysters as the mainstay of their diet. Rarely seen at altitudes lower than 3000 metres, the mountain gnome is the only gnome subspecies that prefers to jump down onto a wild boar or mountain goat, rather than attacking the heels and ankles.
The subspecies seldom encounter each other in the wild, and there is no recorded interbreeding, although recent efforts to cross breed the subspecies in zoos has been unsuccessful, suggesting that interbreeding may not be possible. All three subspecies are known to drink large amounts of beer. It has been reported in one anecdotal report that the mountain gnomes prefer stout.
Recent research studies have been started at several major centers. The garden gnomes are being studied at the Tamworth institute of botany and zoology, The Bush gnomes at the Dagget college of silvaculture and policy, and the mountain gnomes at the Yugo Technology school of higher learning. Three major topics are under consideration in the various study locations- nutritional requirements of gnomes, factors contributing to the agressive behaviours of gnomes, and techniques for utilizing gnomes in the subjugation of Mountain Trolls. (There has been a long history of antagonism between the Bush gnomes and Mountain Trolls, and it is hoped that this major source of international unrest may be controlled through applied scientific research…)
One researcher (TFP) at the Dagget college of silvaculture and policy is currently seeking a grant to investigate the effects of chile on the noise levels of garden gnomes in green houses. One researcher at the Yugo Technology scool of higher learning has suggested a study on the use of gnomes as stand-ins for picadors in the bullring.
Future grant applications for gnome research will be considered by the Department of Agriculture through their usual mechanism. The deadline for the next round of grant applications is 12 November.
Ole’
Linda asks…
Oh my god, Garden Gnomes are attacking my neighborhood?!?
What should I do? Please help me. My garden gnome is leading in the attack, what should I do?
GardenersCardiff answers:
Look out for the Chuck Norris gnome.
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